


Not A Romance Novel

by archdyke



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Gay Feelings About Books, Pre-Gay Panic, Pre-Relationship, Puns? Puns.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:27:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21865966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archdyke/pseuds/archdyke
Summary: It should be stated for the public record that Nott the Brave has done an excellent job at behaving the same way as before. Of course, it hasn’t even been a week yet, so it might be too early to pat herself on the back. Still, even though she’s itching to gossip, she hasn’t let it slip to anyone, not even Caleb. And she tells Caleb everything.(a loosely canon adjacent take on what happens during their two days of free time in rexxentrum)
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 12
Kudos: 221





	Not A Romance Novel

**Author's Note:**

> y'all this was a fucking hoot to write. thanks critical role. it was really fun working with these voices. stayed up to 1:30 am to finish this so i could post it before the next episode.

It should be stated for the public record that Nott the Brave has done an excellent job at behaving the same way as before. Of course, it hasn’t even been a week yet, so it might be too early to pat herself on the back. Still, even though she’s itching to gossip, she hasn’t let it slip to anyone, not even Caleb. And she tells Caleb  _ everything _ . Or, she used to. She’s being a good friend, and the knowledge that one of her best friends has a crush on her other best friend is not going to change anything. 

So, she pretends that she’s not about to burst with the need to gossip.

That’s her. She’s Nott–about to burst. 

Any moment now. 

She waits for Caleb to fall asleep and scurries downstairs to the bar. Mama needs a fucking drink. She’s part way through one of many drinks, when Caduceus suddenly sets a teakettle on the table and takes a seat on the chair next to hers. 

“Hey. I couldn’t sleep either. You okay?”    
  


“Huh? What do you mean? Yes, of course. Everything is cool.” 

Caduceus doesn’t even have to say anything for Nott to know that he sees right through her bullshit. 

“So, hypothetically speaking, have you ever been in a situation where you find out something  _ super _ interesting, but you can’t tell anyone about it?”

Caduceus nods, pours a cup of steaming tea into a cup, and pushes it towards Nott. 

“I mean, yeah. All the time.” 

Nott’s eyes narrow. 

“Are there things you’re not telling us, Caduceus Clay?” 

“Of course there are. I assume there are things you’re not telling us as well.”

Nott’s eyes go wide for a second and she recoils. 

“I’m not telling you anything, Mister!”

“I wasn’t asking.” 

God damn it. How does he do that?

“See, this is what I’m talking about! You’re a trustworthy guy, Deucey. Why didn’t she tell you? No, she just had to confide in me. Me!”

“That’s generally what happens when a friend trusts you.” 

Nott gestures wildly.

“Yeah! And I’m the idiot who let it slip to Yasha that Caleb killed his whole fam–Oh shit, fuck, balls. I did it again!”

Nott takes a big gulp of her flask, and slams it down to the table.

“See this is exactly why Beau shouldn’t have trusted me.”

Her arms are flailing around as she drunkenly gesticulates, nearly knocking the teacup off the table in the process.

“I mean, there’s no way she actually expects me to keep  _ that _ a secret? I can’t not talk about it!”

“If you don’t talk about certain things, they have a tendency to escape when you really don’t want them to.” 

“Like farts?”

“Sure. Like farts.”

Nott’s expression becomes sly and she crosses her arms. 

“Hang on, are you saying that I  _ should _ tell you? I knew it! You are a gossip!”

“There are ways to talk about things without telling another person.” 

“You lost me, dude.”

“There’s lots of interesting things to be gleaned from people at any given moment. It’s only inevitable that some of those things can’t really be discussed with another person. And in those cases, nature is a great listener.”

Nott purses her lips and raises her eyebrows dramatically.

“Are you telling me that you gossip with your god?”   
  


* * *

Morning comes, and most of them head down for breakfast at roughly the same time. All ecept for Beau–who is doing her morning exercise–are at the table. Nott takes the seat next to Jester. 

“Where’s Beau? Did we forget to go to her room and wake her up?”

  
Jester shakes her head. 

“No, she was with me and Yasha. She’s doing her morning exercise right now.”

“Oh. Wait, didn’t she say she was going be in her own room?”

Jester looks down, her voice is quiet. 

“That’s what I thought she said too.”

“...Are you okay, Jessie?”

And just like that, the mask slips back on. She smiles and looks Nott in the eyes. 

“Of course!”

“Are you sure? Cause from what I remember–and I have to remind you that I am an  _ excellent _ detective–it sounded like that hurt your feelings?” 

Jester twirls the spoon in her chocolate milk and sighs.

“It’s always been me and Beau, y’know. Ever since Trostenwald.”

She sips the hot chocolate. Nott eyes her carefully.

“I guess technically we just always  _ had _ to share, because there weren’t enough rooms for us all. That’s not the same as–But it doesn’t matter anyway, because it was all a misunderstanding! And she can sleep wherever she wants, it’s fine!”

Deep down, Jester knows that she’s veering off script. The thought of not sleeping in the same room as Beau should not be making her this upset. She has never once read a book where the protagonist is this sad about her best friend, and she’s read  _ a lot _ of books. 

But none of the protagonists in Jester’s books have seen what she has seen. 

She’s seen Beau get a sword through her chest. She’s seen her friends bleeding, hurting, and dying. Maybe that’s why the idea of Beau not sleeping next to her makes her skin crawl. Because if she isn’t there, she could be bleeding out somwhere. Or be captured by slavers in the middle of the night. 

That makes sense. She’s worried about Beau.

* * *

Later during the day, Caleb says that he is in need of paper and ink. Beau points out that she could use a new notebook. Jester chimes in by saying that she’d like to find something new to read, and Nott joins in with the reasoning that ‘she should stay near Caleb at all times’. The proprietor of the Kameruth Cottage tells them that the best bookstore in all of Rexxentrum is the Sylvatica Liber.

Beau has a sneaking suspicion Nott’s motivations for joining their excursion stems from a different place. Jester doesn’t seem to notice Nott’s weird looks, or at the very least she just keeps the conversation going. 

“Hey, Nott?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Did you read any romance books when you were younger?"

“Oh, yes. I did. You know, a lot of fairytale love stories, that type of thing. But I have to say, it’s been a long time since I read for fun.”

Jester smiles.

“You should find something fun to read at the bookstore then!” 

“You know what? That sounds like a great idea! I haven’t stolen any books in a while.”

Caleb scratches the back of his head and looks around for any nearby guards. 

“You could just  _ buy  _ a book, you know.”

“Potato–tomato.”

Okay, sure, there might be a teeny tiny chance that Beau is overestimating Nott’s agenda and she’s just blowing everything her goblin friend does way out of proportion. But then again, this is the same shitkicker who has been trying to set up Jester and Fjord since like, day one. So her paranoia is perfectly reasonable, thank you very much.

“What about you, Beau?”

Shit. Fuck. She has  _ no _ idea what they were talking about.

“Huh, what? Yeah, I–I’m listening. Uh. Sorry, what was the question?”

“Have you read any romance books?”

Beau draws in a breath through her teeth.

“You mean, like Tusk Love?”

She leans closer and whispers, “or... Courting of the crick?” 

Jester nods. 

“Yeah, yeah–but like, when you were younger. Did you read any good romance books then?”

Beau laughs a little and clears her throat.

"I mean. The closest thing to a good romance book was one called Midnight Masquerade.”

Nott crosses her arms and raises her eyebrows. 

“Sounds... interesting. What’s it about?”

“It's about Olivier, an assassin who is hired to take out a crime lord, but he ends up falling in love with Eyla, the daughter of his mark."

Jester wiggles her eyebrows.

"Do they end up together?"

"Nah. I think she kills him, actually. See, after the assassination, Eyla asks Olivier to find out who killed her dad. So Olivier frames this other dude, a servant or some shit. And Eyla is one stone cold bitch, she straight up snaps the servants neck in front of Olivier.”

Beau takes a bit of pride in the fact that her retelling of the story manages to capture Jester and Nott’s full attention. 

“See, Eyla was next in line to take over the family business. Turns out she’s the one who ordered the hit on her father. And she tells Olivier she's dissapointed that he wasn't loyal to her.”

Beau's cheeks flush. She suddenly feels embarrassed. 

"I mean, Technically they never reveal if he lives or dies, but I always assumed she'd kill him. Can't keep a loose end like that. I was also like fourteen when I read it, so I could be remembering shit wrong." 

Jester cocks her head to the side and smiles brightly at Beau. "That definitely sounds like the type of book you would read.”

Nott agrees. “Yeah, that’s very on brand for you.”

“Yeah, it was pretty intense.” 

After asking around for a while, they find the location of the Sylvatica Liber. 

The interior is beautiful, but not in an opulent way like so much of the Shimmer ward. To the left of the entrance is an intricately carved spiral staircase that leads to a loft. Part of the loft extends over the front desk area, which is held up by treelike pillars that seem to grow from the actual wood of the desk. Behind the front desk is the shopkeeper, a woman in her early fifties, blonde hair with streaks of white. She’s currently in the process of wrapping up a book for a customer.

Beau leans against the staircase while Jester skips towards the front desk.

"I want to buy a book. Romance, please.”

After being told where to find the Romance section, Jester places her hands on the counters and leans closer. 

“Oh! Before I forget–this is very important! Have you read Tusk Love?"

The shopkeeper’s lips are pressed together in a thin line. She nods, slowly.

"Yes... I have. Unfortunately."

Beau snorts. 

“You should hear her reading it out loud. Makes it a hundred times better, trust me.”

The shopkeeper raises her eyebrows and Beau swears she can hear her mutter something along the lines of ‘still multiplying by zero’. The sheer amount of distaste in the woman’s voice is making it difficult for her to not laugh. What a fucking mood. The shopkeper once more directs them to a shelf on the far right corner of the second floor. As they approach, they see another patron who looks to be in his late teens or early twenties. His eyes are wide, cheeks red, as he's in the midst of reading the pages of a book. Jester skips forward and attempts to make eye contact. 

"Is that a good book? What's it about?"

The patron recoils and slams the book shut as if the pages caught fire and singed his hands. He haphazardly shoves it in a random place on a nearby shelf before making a haste exit. Beau grabs the book from the shelf again and skims through a page. Her eyes widen comically.

“Oh! Oh, shit. This is gold. Hey–Nott?” 

“What?”

“I found something for you. Listen to this!”

Beau clears her throat and dramatically raises one hand in the air for emphasis.

“The minotaur's billowing muscles glistened in the ember glow of the steelforge. A musty scent of sweat and hard labor filled the room as he methodically bent the metal into–holy shit–submission." 

Towards the end of that sentence she’s barely keeping it together, drawing stares from the other customers in the store. Nott fans herself with a book.

“Damn, Beauregard, that’s steamy A-F!”“ 

“Right? I knew you’d like it.”

Jester turns to Beau with a soft smile on her face. 

“You should try and find a book that  _ you _ like.”

“Nah. I’ll leave that in your capable hands.”

Jester clasps her hands together and looks excitedly at Beau. 

"Okay, Beau. I am going to find a romance book for you!"

"Wait, what?"

Nott stands behind Jester and makes a heart with her hand, pointing between Beau and the tiefling.

Beau glares at Nott, shakes her head, and goes to stop Jester.

“Come on, Beau! You just said I could do it.”

Her eyebrows furrow and she blinks slowly. And then it hits her. 

“I thought you were talking about bad porn! I fucking love our dramatic readings of shitty smut. But romance? You’ve met me. I don't do romance. Not in real life, not in books. It's not my thing."

Jester huffs and shakes her head.

“That’s. Not. True.” 

With every word, Jester inches closer into Beau's personal sphere, and she finishes her statement by booping Beau's nose. 

Don't blush, don't blush, whatever you do, just don't blush. Beau keeps her eyes on the floor.

"Why are you so adamant about making me read romance novels?"

Jester is quiet for a moment, a solemn expression on her face. 

"Oh, you know.”

Another moment of silence. 

“There's so much horrible stuff happening around us, y'know. We’re almost dying all of the time, fighting world ending death cults, and also now we’re apparently trying to stop a war? Sometimes I just want to be in a fantasy world where everything has a happy ending. And you deserve that too."

Beau softens. 

“Shit. I never really thought about it that way.” 

She puts a hand on Jester’s shoulder and squeezes it. 

"You're fucking amazing, you know that, right?"

Jester smiles, sadly, and places her hand over Beau’s.

"Yeah, I am pretty cool."

Pretty and cool, Beau thinks. 

There's no need for pretense. She doesn't want Jester to know anyone but her true self. 

"The thing is, these books? They're all fantasies for someone else. Not me."

She takes a breath.

"I mean, okay, I read this one book that was written in first person perspective, and for the first third of the book I could totally pretend like the protagonist was a badass chick, falling in love with a noblewoman or some shit."

Jester stops in her track and looks at Beau with a perplexed expression. 

"That's really weird, Beau. Why didn’t you just get a book where the protagonist is a woman."

Beau just stares at Jester. She grew up in a different world entirely, didn't she? 

“They definitely didn't have any books like that in Kamordah. And it wasn't like I could ask my parents for a book like that, either. Hey mom and dad, here's another side of myself I can disappoint you with!" 

Beau laughs. There's nothing funny about it. 

Jester puts her hands to her side and huffs. "That's stupid. Fuck them. Every side of you is wonderful." 

“Did she just call you hot?”

“Shit, fuck–What the–Where did you come from?” Beau goes into a fighting stance, her eyes wide. 

Nott smiles innocently. “I didn’t go anywhere.”

“You should wear a fucking bell.”

“I think Jester just said you were hot.”

Jester grins sheepishly, her tongue poking out between her teeth. “That is not what I meant, but it is also very true, yes.”

Beau hopes she isn't blushing. Fucking hell. Where's an unexpected assassination attempt when you need it?

Jester turns on her heel and vanishes down the stairs. Beau punches Nott’s shoulder. 

“What the fuck was that?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

“I knew telling you was a mistake. You’re being  _ so  _ weird!”

“I am Nott.” 

Even in her halfling form, she’s got this shiteating goblin plastered across her face.

“Did you just–was that a fucking–Ugh!”

Beau shakes her head. She feels her face heating up. Nott stares at Beau, takes a few steps closer, and narrows her eyes even further.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen you blushing before.”

“I’m not– Shut up! I’m not blushing.”

“You are. I didn’t know it was possible, but you are.”

“Fuck you, Nott.”

“Ooh. You’ve got it bad, Beau. You got it bad.”

Death glare. 

“You don’t think I know that already? The only reason I told you is because I thought that’d make it all feel a little... less intense.”

“And it hasn’t?” 

“No! It’s like, I’m constantly on edge! And I’m paranoid as shit that you’re gonna let it slip. I’ve never had anyone like Jester in my life. The last thing I want is to fuck it all up.”

Nott’s expression shifts into a neutral and soft one. 

“This is not just a crush, is it?”

“Take a fucking guess, genius.” 

And Beau thinks of clear midnight skies and the moonlight illuminating Jester’s face ever so slightly. How in one of those moments she’d been overcome by this impulsive thought that it would be so easy to lean over and kiss her. The cold sweat down her spine once her mind caught up with her heart and she found herself thinking ‘wait, what?’

Jester’s presence lets Beau feel unabashedly excited and enthusiastic, she’s allowed to care about things.

She actually likes the person she is around Jester. 

**Author's Note:**

> god i hate coming up w titles. PLEASE COMMENT I crave attention. follow me on twitter @archdyke or tumblr @archdykes.


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